Have you ever realized that “goal” is a four-letter word? The irony and appropriateness of that amuse me (but my amusement threshold is incredibly low after a year of pandemic life).
According to Wikipedia, a goal is “an idea of the future or desired result that a person or a group of people envision, plan and commit to achieve.” When I was running my training barn, I created goals tailored to each horse. One stallion that came to me for training clearly needed to relax his topline use his back more freely. He had been started by a rider who tried to control him by taking a death grip on the reins. By the time the poor horse came to me, his defense mechanism was to just tuck his chin against his chest, totally dropping behind the contact, and then just tank off. He clearly needed to be ridden sympathetically, and learn to seek the connection rather than fearing it.
My solution for him was to take him out trail riding. He’d never been out on trails, so it would be an experience he wouldn’t associate with having his head cranked in, and he was fascinated by all the smells. He walked along like a bloodhound, nose to the ground, and stretching over his topline nicely. As the days went by, I gradually asked him to walk on very light contact, then a bit more contact, and he was perfectly happy to comply. After about 3 weeks of solely being hacked out, I took him back in the ring and he happily stretched over his topline and reached for the connection with the bit. How did I achieve my goal? I used 3 steps that can be applied to any goal – horse-related or not.
- Begin with the end in mind. I learned this from the late Stephen Covey, a leadership and productivity genius, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, (although the original idea is attributed to philosopher Seneca around 50 BC). So, how does that relate to goals for horsewomen? You’ve got to know what you want to achieve. In the case of the stallion above, my goal for him was to have him relax his back and trust the contact. I couldn’t do anything with his training until we achieved that objective. So, I started there.
- My second step was to establish exactly where we were starting. If I rode him on a loose rein and didn’t attempt to pick up contact, he was calm. He responded well to aids from my legs and seat, and would half-halt nicely just without any rein contact. That was good, but as soon as I picked up the reins, he would get tense and start to duck his head back against his chest. So, my starting point with him was that he was responsive to seat and leg, but the whole idea of contact really freaked him out.
- My third step was to reverse engineer the journey that would take him from very tense and tight to relaxed and trusting. I worked backward from my goal and brainstormed some ideas to use as goalposts along the way. I wanted him to seek contact, but before that, he’d have to trust contact. Before he could trust contact, he’d need to trust me, and learn that I wasn’t just going to pull on his face as hard as I could. Before he could trust me, he had to get to know me a bit better. I spend a lot of time on the ground with him. Hand grazing, grooming, a bit of lunging – all of those experiences let him began to see me as someone very unlike the original person who started him. It all began with trust.
If you’re having any training issues with your horse, take a step back and decide what your end goal is. The steps required to help a horse relax his topline may be quite different than if you’re wanting your horse to be more responsive to leg aids. I always ask students if they want to ride in the Olympics, or would they be happy taking relaxing trail rides or entering some local shows. Be crystal clear about your goal will help you attain it that much more quickly and easily.
In the words of the inimitable Yogi Berra, “If you don’t know where you are going, you‘ll end up someplace else”, so make sure you know where you’re going!
Until the next time, Love Your Horse, Love Your Life, and Love Yourself!
Hello and welcome back!
Today I’m wrapping up this 3-part series on why resolutions suck for horsewomen. In the first two posts, I laid out why I think there are better alternatives to resolutions, and how to begin using them.
If all of this seems a bit overwhelming, I’ve got the solution to keep you from running off screaming into the night: chunking.
Yup, chunking. Chunking means simply breaking down your goals into small, manageable steps. For instance: You love trail riding but haven’t done much recently. Your friend has invited you to go on a 15-mile ride with her in 6 weeks, how would you ensure you and your horse are prepared:?What’s the terrain like? Are there a lot of hills? Is your horse fit enough? Are you fit enough? Does all of your tack fit my horse and me appropriately? Does your horse load into, and stand quietly tied to the trailer? Do you have enough Epsom salts for the 3-hour soak you’re going to need after the ride?
Answering those questions will give you an idea of where you’re starting. You have your why (you love trail riding and spending time with your friend), and you have your desired outcome – you and your horse having an enjoyable day out on the trail in 6 weeks. Now, all you have to do is get from here to there… before your eyes glaze over at the thought of trying to get this all managed, let me introduce you to my not-so-secret weapon. Chunking.
Yup, chunking. Chunking will help you break down the steps that are necessary to get you from today to the end of the trail ride. Let’s say that you’re not as fit as you’d like to be. Instead of putting down: Get Fit in your planner, break it down. Do you need more flexibility? Work 10 minutes of stretching into your day, gradually upping that amount. Need more endurance? Grab your smartphone and check how many steps you’re currently walking in a day and then add a hundred more each day.
Or maybe your horse doesn’t load reliably. Instead of waiting till the morning of the ride with your fingers crossed, break down your work with him into steps. 1. He needs to come to the trailer quietly, rather than yanking your arm out of the socket or dancing around or digging in his heels. That’s step 1 – just get him to approach the trailer quietly. Perhaps the trailer isn’t the real root of the problem – perhaps it’s because he likes to be a bit pushy at times, in which case you want to work on that aspect first.
Keep working backward from your goal to where you’re starting today until you have the smallest effective steps laid out. Taking a 15-minute walk followed by a stretch once or twice a day is much more manageable than hitting the gym for 3 hours a day the week of the trail ride.
As I suggested in the last post, keep track of your goals, but also of your progress. Check off the steps you’re taking every day in a journal so you can see how far you’ve come (and to point out that you’re not making the necessary progress should that be the case)!
Chunking is great for nearly every situation in life – whether horsey or not – overall health goals, home improvement projects, learning a new skill – they’re all much easier to manage when you have a baby-step that you can complete and check off in 1 sitting. If your chunk is much bigger than that, break it down again, and again, and maybe one more time until you can see yourself being able to complete the activity in 1 session.
I know someone out there’s saying to me, “For goodness sake, women – the damn ride is in 6 weeks, not 6 months!”, and I hear you. Notice I’m not limiting you to just 1 baby step per session (or per day), feel free to do one, and then another, and then another, go for it, but be sure to acknowledge the progress you’ve made!!
So, hopefully, when next December rolls around, you will be thinking beyond those same old resolutions to a system that really helps you reach your goals and celebrate your progress every step of the way!
Until then, love your horse, love your life, and love yourself.
I’m writing about why New Year’s Resolutions suck for horsewomen a few weeks after the New Year. Sorry, but 2020 beat me up like crazy. I really wanted to look at the bright shiny New Year that was scheduled to arrive at one second past midnight, December 31, 2020, with the giddy hope of a little girl about to ride a pony for the first time.
And then came 2021. Most of the first week of this year (which I’d hoped would be so different), I was tending my very sick 30-year-old horse who had spiked a fever of 105.7º. Packing his feet in ice, medicating him, praying for him (and myself), and worrying about him. It was beyond worrying. Then came the bright orange mucous coming out of one nostril. I have never seen mucous that color before, and I hope I never do again.
Thankfully, he has recovered, but his illness, (along with the events in Washington, D.C. lately) has not been conducive to keeping that giddy hope alive. My hope is, alas, a bit in tatters. So while I have abandoned resolutions for something more user friendly, (which you’ll read about shortly), I had pretty well abandoned looking forward in any way, shape, or form. Each day brought its own challenges and left me with little reserves to plan my editorial calendar or launch my first mini-course.
After trudging, head-down, for the first 2 weeks of the year, I decided to take a deep breath and look ahead, and I realized some pretty interesting things. Number one – it’s OK to feel like the whole world has taken a dump on your doorstep. Struggling? I imagine you are – 2020 was that kind of year (and 2021 is already offering us some
challenges growth opportunities.) Offer yourself some grace and on the days you need to veg out with a trashy novel or binge-watching whatever it is that people binge-watch (my guilty pleasure is the Weather Channel, so I have very little frame of reference for binge-watching, other than Highway Through Hell…don’t judge, OK?)
Once you have given yourself some space to feel what you feel, the last thing you should do is to go and set a bunch of resolutions. That would be like getting over a stomach bug and then binging on Lobster Thermidor – NOT a way to keep yourself feeling better.
Here are my issues with resolutions:
- How many resolutions have you made that came from a negative place in your life? I should lose weight, I should work on my horse’s ground manners, I should declutter my house. Anytime you come up with a “Resolution of Should”, you’re less likely to stick with it, because it comes from a place of self-recrimination, and often you feel you “should” do things because you’re comparing yourself to some ideal. Please don’t do that, it rarely ends well, but that’s a subject for another post.
- How motivated are you when you start with your resolution? Again, we know that this will be our year to finally (fill in the blank). On December 31st we are so psyched to get started, we’re already thinking how great it’s going to be when we can buy breeches or jeans two sizes smaller, or our horse stops rushing the gate when we bring him in from the field, or we can eat at the kitchen table without having to move a mountain of paperwork or unfolded laundry.
- How often do you review your resolution and chart your progress throughout the year? Do you write it on a piece of paper and stick it up on the bathroom mirror only to have it blur with the steam from your shower, or come unstuck and get tossed away? Do you check in weekly or even monthly to see how you’re progressing, and alter course when necessary?
- How often do you stick with a resolution? There we are, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with our brand new resolution. This will be our year – we just know it… And then comes January 2nd. (Or March 23rd, or May 17th), and the stars are just not lined up for you to work toward your goal today. Or tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next week… Damn, there goes another resolution down the drain. If you’re serious about making changes, here’s a process you
should do might want to try instead (see how insidious this whole “should” thing is)??
Step 1. Know Your Why
I wrote a post about this HERE, but I’ll give you a quick recap. Why do you ride, (or want to ride if you’re not already riding)? What’s your desired goal? I’ll give you a few minutes to really think about that, come back when you’re ready…
OK – got your reason(s)? Good. (It’s very helpful to “Begin with the End in Mind”).
Now we work backward from there to plan your path to your goals. Is your ultimate goal to compete in the Olympics? Would you like to trail ride through beautiful landscapes with friends, or, perhaps, drive a pony cart? Using your desired destination as a starting point, we’ll reverse engineer from there to develop the steps that will help you reach your goals.
Next week we’ll cover Step 2: Know where you’re starting
(Want a few quick exercises to help you manage calm? Check out my free offer – 60 Seconds to Calm.
I don’t know about you, but 2020 pretty well had me on the ropes by February, and it didn’t improve much over the following 10 months. I lost my Mom in February, lost my job in September, and spent the rest of the time trying to come up for air.
While 2020 had its challenges, it also offered opportunities for growth and gratitude.
While losing my Mom was and still is devastating, she was 99 years old and had had an amazing life. And she passed away in February. Which meant she didn’t have to die without family nearby. My sister and I spent the last few days at her bedside. The fact that she didn’t have to endure the loneliness of a lockdown is one of the things I’m most grateful for from 2020.
I grew in my job, writing over $70,000 worth of successful grant applications in 5 months. This was for a small non-profit whose budget was in the $100,000 range. I’m still pretty proud of that.
I’m also pretty proud of the fact that I left that job when staying would not have been in my best interest. The situation evolved over the period of just a month, and it took me a while to move past the disappointment and anger I felt; however, I now know that I am right where I’m meant to be – in my writing studio in my home working on ways to help empower horsewomen in the Barn & Beyond.
2020 brought things into our lives we never could have foreseen, which is probably a good thing – can you imagine knowing ahead of time how the year would unfold? There were times it was hard enough to live just that moment without having a foreshadowing of what was to come.
2021 rolled in right on schedule (and not a moment too soon!), and with it came hopes for a better 365 days for all of us. I’m planning amazing things for The Horsey Life Community this year including teaching ways to calm the anxiety that’s seemingly become a constant companion of late.
You can grab my newest offering, 60 Seconds to Calm below. It’s a small collection of exercises you can do in less time than it takes you to read this post, because the last thing we need is another activity that will be “good for us”, but takes a half-hour or more. I can’t imagine wanting to add to our already overloaded schedule and burgeoning to-do list!
While I’ll be the first one to admit that not all short-cuts provide us with the desired results, there are definitely instances where we can set our MER – Minimum Effective Result, and get the improvements we’re looking for. This is especially true for relaxation exercises.
I love meditation and typically meditate at least once a day. Some days I do 20 minutes, some days more, some days all I can manage is 10 breaths. But on those days, 10 breaths give me enough space to step back from the brink, re-evaluate, and reconnect with now. This is extremely helpful when you’re doing something which requires your full presence, like working with your horse.
Being prey animals, horses are very sensitive to a perceived threat. If you get to the barn stressed about your job, the traffic, the COVID virus (or vaccine), chances are you’re going to pass some of this onto your horse. He might not understand why you’re stressed and not fully present, but he’ll sense that all is not well. Which will make him warier. When he tenses, you’ll become warier, and the whole thing spirals like water going down the plug-hole. It doesn’t have to be that way. There are simple effective ways to show up fully for your horse, your life, and yourself.
Check out this post for a great exercise to do before you greet your horse, and remember to download 60 Seconds to Calm. Your horse will thank you.
Until next time, Love Your Horse, Love Your Life, Love Yourself
So, my friends, you discovered in last week’s post that you’re not the only returning rider who is struggling to bridge the gap between your happy memories of riding when you were a kid and the occasionally scary and painful reality of riding now. And you might not like what I say next, but stick with me – it gets better after the next piece of advice!
Step one in becoming a comfortable, confident midlife horsewoman is to… manage your expectations. I know, I know, I can hear your outraged/despondent/indignant voices now – you thought I was going to help you live the dream and now I’m telling you to manage expectations?? Really?
OK, now that you’ve had a chance to register your complaints – take a deep breath and read on.
Managing your expectations is not the same as giving up. Let me say this again, managing your expectations is NOT the same as giving up. Here’s the deal – by being realistic, even cautious, at the beginning of your journey as a recycled rider, you’re a lot more likely to ride better and longer and have more fun doing it.
Managing your expectations is NOT the same as giving up.
Here’s my 4-step process to make getting back on the horse (literally and figuratively) one of the best decisions you’ve made in 2020 (not a high bar, I agree, but at least you’ll have one good memory of this dumpster-fire of a year).
First, what do you want from riding?
Are you planning on trying out for the Olympics or is going on a Sunday afternoon trail ride more your thing? Are you hoping to own your own horse, take lessons, borrow a friend’s horse? Get clear on this – take some time and really think about your ideal horsey life. There are no right or wrong answers, this is your vision of your life, not your friend’s, spouse’s, or instructor’s.
Next, where are you now?
Take inventory of where you are on your journey now. Are you a returning rider who rode a lot when you were in your teens and are comfortable with the idea of getting to the same level again, or are you happy with the idea of trail riding to relax on the weekends?
Do you have excited butterflies in your stomach when you think about riding or is it more a queasy feeling and sense of dread?
Notice where you feel anxiety or avoidance – that’s often a clue that we don’t feel like we can really achieve our goals or that they’re more difficult than we’re comfortable with (yet). Give yourself the time and the space (and the grace) to let these feelings percolate for a while.
That discomfort may also be a clue our goals are not actually ours, but rather something we’ve held over from a younger version of ourselves, or something society has decided is “appropriate” for someone in their midlife.
Third Question – What are you willing to do to get from here to there?
This is often where the dream goes a bit soft-focus. We dearly want it to be easy and smooth and perfect. What we get is often frustrating and bumpy and borderline awful. The dream seems so far away sometimes.
Are you willing to put in extra hours, extra money, extra exercise, and learning, and humility, and vulnerability to get there? Are you willing to keep smiling at the doubters (it’s perfectly OK to call them every name in the book under your breath and behind your mask)?
Are you really able to do/give/be whatever it takes to reach that dream or maybe, just maybe, is it time to adjust your sights a bit closer to your current situation and create an interim goal to help you reach your bigger goal? As I said earlier, managing your expectations does not mean you are giving up!
And now, the one question to rule them all (sorry, Tolkein) – what is your why?
Why are you willing to spend an hour in an Epsom salts bath every evening? Why are you willing to slog around in the mud and the dark and the cold to feed your horse or adjust his blanket? Why do you keep getting up at 5, keep getting up into the saddle when every part of you aches and that duvet looks so inviting? Why?
Many people would argue that this question should come first, but putting it after the other questions means you can go back and look at your answers through the lens of knowing your why. It can change your perspective and offer you a way to think about your goals and dreams in a way you hadn’t before.
Did you find that some of your answers changed? Are you able to see a bit more clearly where you are, where you want to go, how you’ll get there knowing the overarching question of Why?
If your answers have changed, and you’ve decided that you really don’t want to go on hunter paces after all, or you don’t want to trail ride, or you don’t even really want to ride at all, preferring to groom and hang out and bond with your horse – that’s fine! It’s better than fine – it’s your truth. You haven’t given up or given in – you’ve managed your expectations.
Until next time, love your horse, love your life, and love yourself.
…and other laments of a midlife horsewoman
If you have a chance to hang around with other midlife horsewomen, you may hear them moaning about this somewhat frequently, (which is comforting in a “Misery Loves Company” kind of way); but, if you don’t spend a lot of time with other prime-time riders, various aches and pains can be disconcerting… and embarrassing.
Let me jump in right here and say that none of this is intended to be medical advice or to suggest treatment or diagnosis for any discomfort you may be experiencing. Always check with your health care professional before starting new forms of exercise.
OK, now that we have that out of the way, let’s look at some of the issues we face as returning horsewomen.
Well, this never hurt before…
I don’t know about you, but I don’t remember ever being sore after a ride when I was a kid. Well, there was that one time I got kicked in the crotch the night before a show… that definitely made for a pretty uncomfortable day in the saddle… but I digress.
When we’re young, we’re more likely to be flexible, to have a greater degree of cardiovascular stamina, to have better balance, and to lead a generally more active life. Obviously, this is one of those sweeping generalities that everyone advises against, but you get my point.
So the realization that riding can hurt can be sobering; however, pain isn’t the only physical issue we experience when we return to riding as midlifers. (Oh yay, there’s more?!?) Loss of flexibility, especially in our backs, hips, and knees can seriously impact our comfort level when we start riding again. And if pain and stiffness weren’t enough to send you in search of the nearest bottle of wine, let’s not forget about balance.
According to Healthinaging.org, nearly 8 million adults of all ages in the United States report balance disorders each year. About one-third of the older population reports difficulty with balance or walking; the numbers increase significantly after age 75. All in all, almost 40% of older adults are affected.
In case you haven’t noticed, good balance is key – for you and your horse to enjoy comfortable rides. A balanced rider is easier for a horse to carry in a balanced way. The rider’s balance can even have more of an impact than her weight on a horse’s ability to safely and comfortably lug a human around its back. This is not to say that you get a free pass if you’re seriously obese but can stand on one leg for a count of 10 without toppling over, but that’s a discussion for you to have with your doctor (and your vet.)
Funny, I don’t remember feeling (fill in the blank)…
After a break of several years, (or decades), getting back into the saddle can bring great joy, immediately followed by the shocking realization that this feels nothing like it did when you were younger. What happened to that old adage about riding a bicycle – you never forget? Isn’t that supposed to apply to riding horses, too? Evidently, one of the times you fell on your head when you were 10 caused just enough of a concussion to erase all memories of the downsides of riding; and you’re now discovering:
- The distance between the ground and the saddle has doubled since you were last on a horse
- Sitting trot is an exercise developed by the devil himself
- Any attempt to perform the above-mentioned sitting trot makes you feel you’re about to get a black eye and/or a concussion from your breasts bouncing around and smacking you in the face
- The speed of canter has increased exponentially since you last rode
It stinks to have to face the fact that we didn’t retain all the skills (and fitness) we had when we were kids; but, there is a way forward!
And I’ll share that with you next Monday. Until then, love your horse, love your life, and love yourself.