So, my friends, you discovered in last week’s post that you’re not the only returning rider who is struggling to bridge the gap between your happy memories of riding when you were a kid and the occasionally scary and painful reality of riding now. And you might not like what I say next, but stick with me – it gets better after the next piece of advice!

Step one in becoming a comfortable, confident midlife horsewoman is to… manage your expectations. I know, I know, I can hear your outraged/despondent/indignant voices now – you thought I was going to help you live the dream and now I’m telling you to manage expectations?? Really?

OK, now that you’ve had a chance to register your complaints – take a deep breath and read on.

Managing your expectations is not the same as giving up. Let me say this again, managing your expectations is NOT the same as giving up. Here’s the deal – by being realistic, even cautious, at the beginning of your journey as a recycled rider, you’re a lot more likely to ride better and longer and have more fun doing it.

Managing your expectations is NOT the same as giving up.

Here’s my 4-step process to make getting back on the horse (literally and figuratively) one of the best decisions you’ve made in 2020 (not a high bar, I agree, but at least you’ll have one good memory of this dumpster-fire of a year).

First, what do you want from riding?

Are you planning on trying out for the Olympics or is going on a Sunday afternoon trail ride more your thing? Are you hoping to own your own horse, take lessons, borrow a friend’s horse? Get clear on this – take some time and really think about your ideal horsey life. There are no right or wrong answers, this is your vision of your life, not your friend’s, spouse’s, or instructor’s.

Next, where are you now?

Take inventory of where you are on your journey now.  Are you a returning rider who rode a lot when you were in your teens and are comfortable with the idea of getting to the same level again, or are you happy with the idea of trail riding to relax on the weekends?

Do you have excited butterflies in your stomach when you think about riding or is it more a queasy feeling and sense of dread?

Notice where you feel anxiety or avoidance – that’s often a clue that we don’t feel like we can really achieve our goals or that they’re more difficult than we’re comfortable with (yet). Give yourself the time and the space (and the grace) to let these feelings percolate for a while.

That discomfort may also be a clue our goals are not actually ours, but rather something we’ve held over from a younger version of ourselves, or something society has decided is “appropriate” for someone in their midlife.

Third Question – What are you willing to do to get from here to there?

This is often where the dream goes a bit soft-focus. We dearly want it to be easy and smooth and perfect. What we get is often frustrating and bumpy and borderline awful. The dream seems so far away sometimes.

Are you willing to put in extra hours, extra money, extra exercise, and learning, and humility, and vulnerability to get there? Are you willing to keep smiling at the doubters (it’s perfectly OK to call them every name in the book under your breath and behind your mask)?

Are you really able to do/give/be whatever it takes to reach that dream or maybe, just maybe, is it time to adjust your sights a bit closer to your current situation and create an interim goal to help you reach your bigger goal? As I said earlier, managing your expectations does not mean you are giving up!

And now, the one question to rule them all (sorry, Tolkein) – what is your why?

Why are you willing to spend an hour in an Epsom salts bath every evening? Why are you willing to slog around in the mud and the dark and the cold to feed your horse or adjust his blanket? Why do you keep getting up at 5, keep getting up into the saddle when every part of you aches and that duvet looks so inviting? Why?

Many people would argue that this question should come first, but putting it after the other questions means you can go back and look at your answers through the lens of knowing your why. It can change your perspective and offer you a way to think about your goals and dreams in a way you hadn’t before.

Did you find that some of your answers changed? Are you able to see a bit more clearly where you are, where you want to go, how you’ll get there knowing the overarching question of Why?

If your answers have changed, and you’ve decided that you really don’t want to go on hunter paces after all, or you don’t want to trail ride, or you don’t even really want to ride at all, preferring to groom and hang out and bond with your horse – that’s fine! It’s better than fine – it’s your truth. You haven’t given up or given in – you’ve managed your expectations.

Until next time, love your horse, love your life, and love yourself.


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