by penny | Jun 14, 2021 | The Horsey Life
Can you hear me now?
If you’re like me, you’ve got a constant conversation running through your mind. (Please tell me it’s not just me!) From things I need to do to hoping it’s going to rain to making sure I bring a mask when I clip Laddie (yup, I’m allergic to horses…) – it’s a wonder I even have time to speak with other people, much less the mental bandwidth!
The main trouble with this is that, in being buried in our own ramblings, we sometimes don’t engage fully when we’re speaking with someone. We’ve all had times when we tune out of a conversation and start thinking about what to cook for dinner, then suddenly realize the person we’re speaking with has paused and is expecting an answer, right? Awkward! Sometimes it works the other way, where you start a conversation only to have your mind hijacked and taken down the nearest rabbit hole, leaving the other person backing away quietly and glancing around for the nearest exit.
Now, consider your conversations with your horse. It’s likely you are doing most of the “talking”, either with words, body language, (or peppermints), but are you sure your horse is understanding? Since we’re the more highly “evolved” being (don’t get me started on why I prefer most horses to a fair amount of people…), it’s up to us to make sure we are being understood. As I mentioned in the last post, first you need to become self-aware and understand yourself before you can expect to be understood by your horse.
Listen to learn, talk to teach.
That was one of my Dad’s favorite expressions (along with “A good teacher answers the questions, a good student questions the answers.” My Dad was brilliant.) Well, in our conversations with our horses, we need to make sure we’re listening exponentially more often than talking. He already knows how to be a horse – there’s nothing you can teach him about that; however, if you want him to learn your language, you have to learn his first.
It can be frustrating to wait for him to understand a new exercise, and at times we may find ourselves increasing the volume and repetition of the request rather than taking a step back and figuring out why he didn’t understand it in the first place. It’s like waiting for a file to load on a computer.
How many times do you hit the enter key (usually uttering a bit of colorful language under your breath) because it just won’t load the damn page? Here’s a hint (both for your computer and your horse) – every time you click enter (or repeat your aid to your horse), it’s like hitting the reset button. – it just keeps sending him back to the beginning of the thought process, and it can make him anxious (and sometimes a bit cranky – but, can you blame him??)
Here are a few tips on how to become a better conversationalist with your horse, which will, in turn, help you become the owner he deserves.
- Ask once. Just once. Give him an opportunity to think through your request before you start asking over and over again. If it seems like his mind has wandered, ask him something simple just to get his attention back on the work at hand. It’s hard for him to focus when he’s gradually falling asleep at the end of the lead rope!
- Reward all tries. If you’re asking him to yield his hindquarters and he takes a step backward instead, don’t punish him – horses honestly don’t do things that frustrate us “on purpose”, it’s typically because they don’t understand our request. Spend a minute and think about your aid to the horse – if he didn’t understand, how can you present the request again in a way that’s clearer to him.
- Clear the static. Have you ever tried to tune in a radio station, but the connection so full of static that you could only understand every third or fourth word? Welcome to the world of how your horse can feel about your aids. I can’t tell you the number of lessons I’ve taught where a student told me that the lesson horse they’re riding is much better than he was a few weeks earlier. I’d then explain that wasn’t the horse who improved – he’d always been a good horse, it was the student being clearer with their aids that made it easier for the horse to understand them.
Give it a try! Next time you’re with your horse, and he doesn’t understand something you ask him, follow the steps above and you might just see that he was a good horse all along.
Until next time – love your horse, love your life, and love yourself!
by penny | Jun 8, 2021 | Find Yourself on a Horse, The Horsey Life
Whether you’re an adult new to horses and horseback riding, or you’re returning to the equine world after a long break, there’s a bit of a learning curve to understanding a horse. (Trust me – I’ve been a professional for over 40 years, and I’m still learning :-).
There are some easily recognizable signals, such as the horse nickering when he sees you coming (and he knows you have a treat), or putting his ears back when he’s cranky (it pays to learn this one early on in your Horsey Life!); but there is also a myriad of other signals that you may be missing. And the best way to learn them may surprise you. Learn to understand yourself first.
Self is a four-letter word
There are a lot of times where “self” has a negative connotation: self-absorbed, self-centered, selfish – even self-confident has been given a bad rap.
Self-Awareness, on the other hand, is a good thing. By becoming aware of our bodies, our thoughts, and our emotions, we’ll not only gain insight on how we’re perceived by horses, but also why we perceive horses the way we do.
We all have built-in self-protection behaviors – it’s how we’re wired. They spend their days toiling away deep in our subconscious. They have a huge part in running the show in our lives, and we don’t even realize we’re relying on old habits of processing fear, anxiety, or doubt. Our sneaky subconscious has become pretty good at hiding in plain sight.
With a smile and denial
Think about a time when you were around a horse and you felt a little fear tugging at the edge of your mind. You brush it off. Why worry? This is a horse you’ve taken lessons on for a year – why the sudden whisper of fear?
You finish tacking up and hide behind a smile (and in denial). Everything’s fine – at least that’s what you tell yourself. You’re just being silly. After all, it would be too embarrassing to tell your riding instructor that you’re afraid, and you wouldn’t share that with your family – they don’t even understand why you want to ride in the first place.
But by pretending everything is OK, you’re setting yourself up for more discomfort down the road. Without acknowledging and working to understand your feelings, the fear will keep coming back and you will feel more and more powerless to combat it.
Bring your fear out of hiding
If you’re going to continue working with horses, you’ll need to do some inner work.
- Extend grace to yourself. You are not hopeless, idiotic, pathetic or any of the other nasty adjectives you use to label yourself. We are ridiculously unkind to ourselves – beating ourselves up over things we likely wouldn’t even notice in a friend. So – no self-flagellation allowed.
- Acknowledge the emotion. You are entitled to your emotions and no one else has the right to belittle you or gloss over your feelings. This extends to your instructor, your family and yourself!
- See and feel the emotion. Enter journaling and visualization. I know – journaling has become the new black. I think the only thing I haven’t heard people insist journalling can cure is male pattern baldness. But – I’m saying to journal anyway. Write down the instance when you felt the fear – put in as much detail as you remember. Now, visualize the experience in “slow-motion”. Take it one frame at a time and see if you can pinpoint when and how the fear showed up. Were you picking out the horses’s feet? Were you getting ready to tighten the girth? Once you’ve identified when you first noticed the fear, now connect with the what. What did the fear feel like in your body? Did you have a mini-flashback, so brief that you hardly noticed it? Did you feel a catch in your breath or a tightening in your shoulders? Sit with that feeling. You’ll most likely want to skip this or do a very cursory job of it. Resist the resistance. Acknowledging your emotion is the first step in understanding it, and understanding yourself.
- Visualize the scene again, but this time, imagine you acknowledged your fear. Imagine you spoke with your instructor and explained your fear. Imagine she listened and worked with you to find a way to work through the fear. How does that feel in your body? Did you experience the same tightening in your shoulders? Did it stay the same, intensify, or lessen? Being able to feel the physical manifestation of fear stops the downward mental spiral that can quickly spin into a much greater level of anxiety.
- Gradually work through your body, head to toe, and consciously relax each body part – the jaw and shoulders are often where the fear pops up, but check the rest of your body as well.
- Repeat the second visualization a few times and you’ll see your fear start to dissipate.
Visualization is a great way to “pre-treat” anxiety and fear as well. Visualize in great detail that you’re tacking up the horse, you and the horse are calm and relaxed. Feel the silkiness of the horse’s neck as you pat him, smell the peppermint that you gave him. Feel yourself leading him to the mounting block and mounting him quietly as he stands perfectly still. You take a deep breath and exhale, and carry on with a great ride.
Until the next time, love your horse, love your life, and love yourself!
Are you interested in a few more stress-busting exercises? Grab your free copy of 60 Seconds to Calm and learn 3 simple exercises you can do in 60 seconds or less to help you nip anxiety in the bud and fully enjoy your Horsey Life.
by penny | Apr 5, 2021 | Find Yourself on a Horse, The Horsey Life
I don’t know about you, but I sure as heck don’t need a Stress Awareness Month to become aware of my stress!! Seriously, between losing my Mom in February, COVID, furloughs, loss of my job, and having to drop my husband off at the ER when his doctor called at 7:30 am and said he needed to get to the hospital because his kidneys were failing. It turned out to be something fixable, but for 2 1/2 days, I didn’t know if I’d ever see him again. Then my own brief visit to the ER (again, easily fixable), and leaving my job in September – 2020 is a year I certainly hope remains in the record books as Worst Year Ever (I don’t know how we’d cope if there was a worse year!!)
I think that, as horsewomen, we have an advantage over so many people during this anxiety-ridden time. Our horses become our safety nets, our confidants, and our warm shoulder to cry on when we need to just let it out. Horses have an innate sense of when we need emotional support, which allows us to go to them for comfort (which I have done hundreds, if not thousands, of times). But sometimes even our horses(or a steady diet of Stouffer’s Mac & Cheese) aren’t enough – sometimes we need help in figuring out where to go from here, wherever “here” may be. You just need that next best step…
If you’ve ever had riding lessons, your riding instructor probably helped you with your position, your aids, and how to communicate with the horse you’re riding. That’s all vital information about riding, but honestly, it’s never just about the riding!
It’s layer upon layer of goals, dreams, fears, and hopes. It’s about understanding why you want to have a horsey life. It’s about reaching your dreams and discovering who you are, in the barn & beyond. Sometimes you need someone to just hold a flashlight to illuminate your next step. That’s where The Horsey Life Coaching programs come in.
As a coach, I’m able to help my clients understand stress, anxiety, fear, lack of confidence – all those fun emotions that seem to appear when you consider trying something new. I also facilitate a path forward for women who wish to explore and deepen their connections with their horses, their lives, themselves, and the Divine.
I want to be straight with you right here and let you know that I am NOT a therapist. If you need to heal from past trauma or have clinical depression – go to a medical provider. There is absolutely no shame in needing help. When you need help with the really hard things – please go to the appropriate person/people for help. I can help you figure out your goals and your next best step to achieve them, but our starting point is always where we are right now.
In case you’re wondering about the name: The Horsey Life Coach, I came up with it almost by default. To be honest, I’ve kind of shied away from the term “life coach”. It’s generic and has become a bit of a cliche. I like Confidence Coach, but that’s too limited – I help women discover so much more than confidence. I finally decided that adding “Coach” to the end of The Horsey Life was a nice segue into the coaching part of my business. I’m excited about the service I’m offering horsewomen – I believe I can help you live your best Horsey Life!
If you’d like to learn more about coaching, please fill out the form below. By joining my mailing list you’ll get special promotions on coaching packages, courses, etc. You’ll also get my monthly newsletter, where I share more in-depth content than I do on the blog.
[convertkit form=1921406]
by penny | Oct 19, 2020 | The Horsey Life
Riding Horses Never Hurt When I Was a Kid…and other laments of a midlife horsewoman
If you have a chance to hang around with other midlife horsewomen, you may hear them moaning about this somewhat frequently, (which is comforting in a “Misery Loves Company” kind of way); but, if you don’t spend a lot of time with other prime-time riders, various aches and pains can be disconcerting… and embarrassing.
Let me jump in right here and say that none of this is intended to be medical advice or to suggest treatment or diagnosis for any discomfort you may be experiencing. Always check with your health care professional before starting new forms of exercise.
OK, now that we have that out of the way, let’s look at some of the issues we face as returning horsewomen.
Well, this never hurt before…
I don’t know about you, but I don’t remember ever being sore after a ride when I was a kid. Well, there was that one time I got kicked in the crotch the night before a show… that definitely made for a pretty uncomfortable day in the saddle… but I digress.
When we’re young, we’re more likely to be flexible, to have a greater degree of cardiovascular stamina, to have better balance, and to lead a generally more active life. Obviously, this is one of those sweeping generalities that everyone advises against, but you get my point.
So the realization that riding can hurt can be sobering; however, pain isn’t the only physical issue we experience when we return to riding as midlifers. (Oh yay, there’s more?!?) Loss of flexibility, especially in our backs, hips, and knees can seriously impact our comfort level when we start riding again. And if pain and stiffness weren’t enough to send you in search of the nearest bottle of wine, let’s not forget about balance.
According to Healthinaging.org, nearly 8 million adults of all ages in the United States report balance disorders each year. About one-third of the older population reports difficulty with balance or walking; the numbers increase significantly after age 75. All in all, almost 40% of older adults are affected.
In case you haven’t noticed, good balance is key – for you and your horse to enjoy comfortable rides. A balanced rider is easier for a horse to carry in a balanced way. The rider’s balance can even have more of an impact than her weight on a horse’s ability to safely and comfortably lug a human around its back. This is not to say that you get a free pass if you’re seriously obese but can stand on one leg for a count of 10 without toppling over, but that’s a discussion for you to have with your doctor (and your vet.)
Funny, I don’t remember feeling (fill in the blank)…
After a break of several years, (or decades), getting back into the saddle can bring great joy, immediately followed by the shocking realization that this feels nothing like it did when you were younger. What happened to that old adage about riding a bicycle – you never forget? Isn’t that supposed to apply to riding horses, too? Evidently, one of the times you fell on your head when you were 10 caused just enough of a concussion to erase all memories of the downsides of riding; and you’re now discovering:
- The distance between the ground and the saddle has doubled since you were last on a horse
- Sitting trot is an exercise developed by the devil himself
- Any attempt to perform the above-mentioned sitting trot makes you feel you’re about to get a black eye and/or a concussion from your breasts bouncing around and smacking you in the face
- The speed of canter has increased exponentially since you last rode
It stinks to have to face the fact that we didn’t retain all the skills (and fitness) we had when we were kids; but, there is a way forward!
And I’ll share that with you next Monday. Until then, love your horse, love your life, and love yourself.
by penny | Sep 7, 2015 | Find Yourself on a Horse
Little girls and horses. There’s some kind of magic in that combination. Whether the little girl ever gets to ride real horses, or makes do with her My Little Ponies and reading (and re-reading) every horse book she can find in her library, it’s a passion that often doesn’t subside as the years go by.
Fast forward fifteen, or twenty years, or more. Here is the little girl, all grown up. Still loving horses, but maybe life hasn’t offered her the chance to own one. The obligations of family and work and being a grown up have extracted their toll, but no longer will that voice inside be denied. The dream becomes reality, the little girl finally has her horse, and they live happily ever after.
It would be wonderful if life could replicate some of our favorite fairy tales. OK, maybe not the wicked witches and hateful step sisters, but happily ever after would be nice. Sadly, what happens to a lot of women when they finally get their dream horse is that the reality doesn’t quite live up to the dream.
Whether it’s a hectic schedule, training challenges, or guilt over spending time away from family and responsibilities – there are many factors that can derail our journey to happily ever after.
Whatever the cause, when spending time with her horse becomes something that produces stress, guilt or fear; our heroine often doesn’t know where to turn. Her instructor may help with her riding, but what about all the other facets of her life? Many instructors aren’t prepared to take on the challenges their students face outside the lesson. Her horsey friends may be willing to help, but many of them could be facing the same issues; and, while misery may love company, simply complaining to each other over a glass of wine isn’t going to lead to any lasting improvements.
Help is at Hand
Our heroine is the woman I had in mind when I started this blog. As an internationally certified riding instructor, I’ve worked with a lot of women like her for over 30 years. Women who remembered how much they always wanted to ride when their kids started taking lessons, or who had some free time when the kids grew up and finally decided to start riding. Some of the women just took lessons, others had finally made the leap and found their dream horse.
I’ve always loved working with these women, (who are all heroines in my eyes). The come to the barn with a passion to achieve their dream. While they may struggle with fear, a negative body image, or a lack of confidence in their ability to learn a new skill, that passion supported them and carried them forward.
I loved developing and sharing exercises to help my students overcome challenges, both physical and mental. I loved providing a supportive atmosphere so these women could start to live that dream. Allowing themselves to finally live a dream they’d had for so long. Challenging themselves in new ways – and succeeding. Conquering fear. Developing a partnership with an animal that outweighed them by half a ton.
But whatever their challenges and victories, one thing all of these women had in common, was that it wasn’t just about the riding. Their successes followed these women when they left my barn. I began to realize that my lessons were empowering women in the barn, and beyond.
I hope that this blog will become a place where you can come to find support, answers to questions, lessons about your relationship with your horse (and ultimately, yourself), and a sense of community.
Here are a few of the things I’ll be covering in upcoming posts:
- Why awareness is important and how you can develop yours
- How your level of self-confidence influences the level of trust between you and your horse (and how to improve it)
- The Three C’s of Communication (Clarity, Congruence and Consistency)
Please join me each Monday to read more about how you can Find Yourself on a Horse. Have comments or questions? Please feel free to leave them in the comments below and I’ll be happy to chat with you about them.
